For me, it's not just beautiful but also symbolic of the real meaning of Christmas, showing the little light that shines in a dark and cold world. It gives me a bit of hope in these hard times.I've been quite depressed in the past few months, which is funny because, when I see the bigger picture, my job isn't the worst job in the world. The pay is OK, and though the workload has been crazy, it's been manageable. And the last month has been quite peaceful by the usual standard. But still...I'm depressed. My insomnia hadn't been bothering me for 10 years, but in the past 6 months I've been taking quite a number of anti-depressants to help me sleep, especially on Monday night when I'm tense about having to get up early to work to avoid traffic. It's a vicious circle: you sleep poorly once, and still have to go to work despite how crappy you feel, and the next time you have trouble dozing off again, you worry about recurrence, and as a result, it becomes harder for you to sleep. Until now, I haven't been able to overcome this vicious circle. I know that the only way to fall asleep is not to worry about falling asleep at all, but how can you not worry if you're expected to be present every day? The last time the number of sick leaves increase (because of the weather and the stress), the company threatens to shorten the Christmas holiday. And since I'm not even a year here, I'm not yet entitled to vacation leaves. How can you not be stressed???
The funny thing is I cannot really pinpoint the main source of the stress. It's not always about the company policy, or the working system, or the shitload of work, or some editors. As I've said, so far they've been manageable (or rather, tolerable). But still, I don't feel safe and secure in this company. Maybe because you never know what to expect. Maybe because there's no guarantee that if you work hard, you will be appreciated. Maybe it's the combination of multiple factors I've mentioned above. I dunno. All I know is that I haven't been happy in this company except for the first 2 months.
Luckily, I have great colleagues. There's nothing much we can do to help our situations, but we've been strengthening, consoling and entertaining each other. Next Saturday, I'm going to have my girls' day out for the first time in I don't know how many years, and I'm excited. I hope the work this week will be manageable so that our weekend won't be interrupted. Perhaps watching Twilight together with my girlfriends will make me feel at least normal again, even for a while.
I'm 90% sure that I won't stay in this company when my contract expires. But the thing is, our family always need money, and what we earn is always not enough. I've just paid the first installment for my latest surgery cost, and already my dad's eye doctor told him that he has to take another cataract surgery. It's about time to look for another job, but if I can't get one by the time my contract expires, will I have to sell my soul to the devil?
OK, rant over. Now I'm going to read Twilight and see if it can lull me to sleep.
p.s: no need to comment to my bitchin' if you don't feel like it. I just need to vent out, is all.
2 comments:
You know, having great colleagues helps a lot when you're not happy in your job. I really hope that you find something new before your contract expires. I'd hate to think you had to resign again where you're not happy. I've had jobs I've hated and just getting up in the morning to go to work caused me stress.
Life sucks, yeah.
Don't know how long you've been at your job but perhaps the honeymoon period is over and you're now really settling in and that's why it's so tough. Then again, having never had a real job, what do I know, right?
On the other hand, I really love your blog skin. :)
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