Dignity

My colleague reminded me this morning that our contracts will expire in 4 months and I realized that I haven't even started searching for new job. Actually, I've promised myself last year that I would start hunting jobs by December, but somehow things got better at work and I completely forgot about it. Okay, that's not quite true: I never forgot about it, but I don't have the motivation to find yet another job when it has taken me years to find this one, and I've only been here for 8 months. The thing is that I don't know if it'll be beneficial for me to stay. Okay...the hardest part of adjusting to the work environment is over (hopefully) and I'm having a second honeymoon right now: work days have been fun and I get along well with most of my colleagues, even those I thought annoying at first. The only problem is: what the company will offer me in the long run? The facilities (insurance, allowances) are fine from what i heard, but the annual rise (according to those who have stayed longer) is hardly proportionate to the amount of work and the level of employee's progress. I always felt that I started a little too low when I negotiated the salary, and so I'm afraid I'll stay behind the curve for a long time. That was the mistake I made with my previous company and I don't want it to happen again. As fun as the job is, knowing that I settle for less will do a number to my self-worth.

Another, very different problem, but still related to the issue of dignity. I had quite an unpleasant disagreement with a fellow board member and clone story fan a while ago, and since then she had never commented on my clone story (which she never missed to comment before). Recently we joked again on the board and I thought she already buried the hatchet, and since I'm no longer mad at her, I commented when she posted her first story on the board (which was, by the way, quite enjoyable to read). Then my other friend and I posted our new chapters almost simultaneously...and she commented on my friend's story but not mine. I'm still torn as to whether I want to keep commenting on her story (and probably making fool of myself) or ignore it the way she has ignored mine.

I'm risking people reading this blog calling me petty, but to be honest, I always have issues with my self-worth. I hate to feel slighted, probably because I spent most of my childhood and adolescent years being bullied. I used to be this ugly duckling, this alien, this nerd with poor social skills who always become the butt of the jokes, and even now I'm always the last person to know about what is going on at work. I've tried hard to be a cooler, more easygoing person, to tell myself that it means nothing, but it's not easy.

I really wish I was just being petty.